Friday, September 22, 2017

Santorum's Back!

It's Autumn, 2017 in Trumplandia, and Rick Santorum is active in Washington again, organizing a Death-To-Obamacare bill with Lindsey Graham.

Rick and Lindsey bumped into each other at the barber shop, and Rick argued that the next Republican plan should have block-grants for the states. That way, the (Republican) states that refused to take Federal money for Medicaid expansion would get their money anyway, with no or few strings attached. Lindsey ran with the idea, and the result is the Graham-Cassidy healthcare bill.

It's good to see Rick back! It inspired me to build my vocabulary with the following exercise.

(Warning! Language, Stan! Language!)

It was late at night, when the fax machine in my den began to churn. Something from the DNC, a proposed law to be introduced tommorrow.

As I read the legislation my guts began to heave, as if someone had replaced the contents of my stomach with a whole bucket-full of santorum. This legislation would wipe out insurance for all, and death would be the only pre-existing condition it covered, with extra money for the states that had refused the Obamacare expansion.

I stepped out onto the patio, and stared mindlessly over the rough sea, which was heaving like a man with a box turtle. There was a musky smell in the air, like someone had just wiped santorum over the whole world. Wind whipped the water into a foam and blew it, bouncing along the beach in santorum-like clumps, illuminated by the lights of the buildings.

There was a rough knock on the door. I opened it, and Chuck and Nancy came in.

'I can't do it again! You'll have to find someone else to help you!' I said.

Chuck looked at me like I was something stuck to his shoe, and Nancy said 'Wipe the santorum of your face and pull yourself together! We need to get to work! We need to stop this legislation! Again!'

'Aw, come on, Guys!' I said. 'This thing was dead. And now it's back! Just over and over again, like some creature in a bad horror movie! - Or like the political career of Rick Santorum!'

But I knew it was no use. Chuck and Nancy were right! We had to fight this monster at least one more time!

Monday, August 14, 2017

Making General Lee Great Again

There was a riot in Charlottesville, Va at a 'Unite The Right' rally, ostensibly to protest the removal of a statue of Robert E Lee.

Charlottesville, a pleasant, graceful city at the foothills of the Smoky Mountains, is home to Monticello, and the University of Virginia.

Charlottesville is home also to a statue of Robert E Lee, the Confederate General. In the nineteen teens and twenties, many such statues of Confederate heroes were erected. Racism was fashionable, and the Second Klu Klux Klan formed and was at its peak. The movie 'The Birth Of A Nation', based in the popular book 'The Clansman', was showing in theaters. And in Charlottesville, a wealthy townsman, who cherished memories of the antebellum South, commissioned the statue and donated the land for Lee Park.

Now, nearly one hundred years later, many of those statues are coming down - being removed to assuage modern American sensibilities.

The main groups in attendance in Charlottesville on the right were the KKK, neo-Nazis, and other 'Alt-Right' groups, members coming from around the country. On the left were Black Lives Matter, some other violent leftists, but also many non-violent protesters, including local college students and citizenry. The local and state police failed to keep the protesters and counter-protesters separated, and both sides were ready to fight. Some were dressed in helmets, carrying shields, ready for tear gas on both sides. The right wing protesters were almost exclusively young white men, while the counter-protesters were a mix of men and women of various races. As the groups separated after one brawl, a Nazi sympathizer drove his Dodge Charger into a crowd of counter-protesters, killing one, injuring 19 others.

President Trump issued a statement of condemnation of the violence 'on many sides.' It seemed important to him that we know that this is not associated with any one president, especially him. 'Not Donald Trump. Not Barack Obama. This has been going on for a long, long time.' (Perhaps The Donald was thinking of some recent violent Black Lives Matter protests, during the Obama administration.)

At the rally, Klan organizer David Duke said the rally was a turning point to help 'fulfill the promises of Donald Trump'. In his statement, Trump omitted any specific criticism of the Alt-Right, the KKK, or the American Nazi Party. He also said 'We must love each other, respect each other and cherish our history and our future together. So important.'

Considering that this rally was ostensibly an Alt-Right protest over the removal of a historic Confederate hero, and that The Donald says we must 'cherish our history', and we might think we can see where our President is coming from.

Update: After 48 hours of pressure, The Donald finally read a prepared text in front of the cameras, in which he condemned violence, the Klan, and neo-Nazis.

The next day, The Donald went off script and cited violence from the 'Alt-Left', a term he had apparently just made up, and the peaceful torchlight march by those good people who were just trying to protect their heritage. (The TV News provided footage of that march, with swastikas and confederate flags, young men chanting 'Blood and Soil!' and 'Jew shall not replace us!')

Mr Trump then defended the statue of Robert E Lee.

“Many of those people were there to protest the taking down of the statue of Robert E Lee,” Mr Trump said. “This week, it is Robert E Lee and this week, Stonewall Jackson. Is it George Washington next? You have to ask yourself, where does it stop?

And so, with those words, Mr Trump, the president of our nation, equated the general who founded our nation with a general who sought to destroy it. With this false equivalency, President Donald Trump let us all know just EXACTLY where he is coming from!

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Our American Cousin

Donald Trump says that next to Abraham Lincoln, he's the most presidential president ever...

I'm imagining The Donald delivering the first sentence of the Gettysburg Address, in the afternoon of November 19th, 1863...

"Thank you! Thank you! Four score and seven years ago, and I mean - that was like a really, really long time ago, folks - before that Crooked Lying Stephen Douglas was even born - he's dead now and I shouldn't speak ill of the dead!

But before that Crooked Lying Stephen Douglas was even born, our fathers, and don't forget our hot, hot fore-mothers - always remember the ladies, too! Hey! Like my daughter! Is she hot? Yes she is! Yes she is! She is so hot! So hot! So hot!

So, back to our forefathers and those hot, hot fore-mothers - They brought forth on this continent, a new nation - And what a beautiful new nation it was too! Yes! Yes! USA! USA! USA!

Anyway - Conceived in Liberty! Uh Oh! A protester! Get em out! Get em out! Get out! Out! Out! Sorry folks! They show up and think they have a right. I'll show them some rights, and some lefts too!

Anyway... Anyway, folks -A new nation dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Except for that Crooked Lying Stephen Douglas! Lock Him Up! Lock Him Up! Lock Him Up! I know - he's dead, but Lock Him Up anyway!"

image source: cwmemory.com